Can't Hold It Back Anymore
by CrystalHauntress
Summary: <html><head></head>It's been four years since Musa's mother's death. When she reminds herself what happened, she wants to keep her tears in and move on. But her family know better. One-shot.</html>


**A/N: This is written for the 'Challenge: Feeling the Family Love' on WCFC. Another angsty fic from me. Sorry, guys! The plot and events of this are all completely fanon.**

**This is a re written version. The first version I didn't quite like. **

It was four years ago today. She was only a young teenager when it happened; only thirteen or fourteen years old. She doesn't have many memories of the whole thing. Just tiny snippets of the incident. The snippets that haunt her life, her mind.

Musa wants to escape; she wants the memories of the wrath of her mother's death to leave her; she wants to let them go. But she can't. The scenes are etched firmly into her mind, like calligraphy carved into wood. They make her lay awake every single night, just to make sure she doesn't go down the same path as her mother.

Her mother went to bed that night - the night after the biggest concert in the history of the kingdom of Melody. Musa didn't even think for a second that she'd never see her mother again after they both closed their eyes. The difference was that Musa opened her eyes the following morning. Her mother didn't.

Musa grips her iPod harder. Her eyes glaze over with tears, but she will _not _let them fall down her cheeks. Ever. Crying never helps.

The lyrics of her favourite Spice Girls song blare through her headphones as she sits on her bed in her room in Melody. She starts shaking as she hears her two favourite lines: _Mama, I love you; Mama, I care. _Her mind whirrs again and she replays the awful scenes in her mind.

_The young girl watches as her mother is up on the stage, singing her favourite song. It is a song that the successful singer songwriter has written herself. _

_The huge audience is singing along, cheering and applauding. Musa stands with her two maternal cousins: Kit and Starlet as they sing and dance along. She is so proud of her mother. She has come so far in her musical career. _

_All she can hear is the melody of her mother's song, the sweet lyrics and the cheering of the fans. It's perfect; just how it should be. Something is about to go horribly wrong, even though neither Musa, Kit nor Starlet are aware of the fact._

_Suddenly, at least a half hour later, Musa feels like there is something a little... distorted. Strange. Something seems off. The songs her mother is singing seem to have lost their bounce and they feel flat and lifeless._

_Musa starts squirming. She doesn't feel like she's having fun anymore. She doesn't notice Starlet glancing at her curiously. Starlet nudges at Kit with her elbow, which takes both of their focuses to their navy haired, music loving cousin. _

_They watch her for a good ten minutes. She squirms and shakes as tears come to her eyes. She wipes them away causes Kit and Starlet to glance at each other nervously and both of them take a step either side of her, "Muse?" Starlet whispers in her ear, slipping an arm round her shoulders, "what's wrong, hon?" Starlet can feel her shaking. _

_Stubbornly, Musa shakes her head and steps away from Starlet... resulting in her stumbling over her own feet and falling onto Kit. Kit catches her with an arm round her waist, "whoa, easy there, hon," she smirks. As Musa steadies herself, Kit's face turns serious, "I know you like the back of my hand, Muse. That means I know that you wouldn't have lost your footing just then if something wasn't wrong. So come on. Say it. Say it all,"_

_Musa grits her teeth and fists her hands, "it's nothing, I swear. Just... go and enjoy yourselves," she hisses. Kit and Starlet both glance at each other and shake their heads, sniggering fondly. _

_"Uh uh. Not buying it. Musa. Spill. The. Beans," Kit orders sternly, above the noise of the crowd and the music._

_Musa sighs heavily. Her shoulders slump in defeat, "Fine," she says, "Something isn't right with Mum. She seems... off. Kind of," at the music lover's words, Kit and Starlet both start laughing._

_"Seriously, is that meant to be a joke?" Starlet asks, "cause it sure was funny!" Musa growls at her cousin's lack of seriousness. _

_"Star!" She hisses, "I was being serious!" _

_Kit raises an eyebrow at her sister, but then turns back to her cousin, "what Starlet means," she says, and Musa catches her shoot a pointed glare at Starlet, "is that you should tell us how or why you feel that way?" _

_"Fine," Musa says, gritting her teeth, "Mum went to the doctor last week about this headache that she had, and after a thousand blood tests and such, they told her about some genetic illness," Musa begins. At her words, the two sisters turn serious. _

_"Carry on..." Kit prompts._

_"And then they said that she should live life to the full, since her life expectancy is so short now," Musa starts shaking a little._

_"Oh, Musa," Starlet says, "you don't need to worry. Your mum'll live a lot longer. She's absolutely fine. See?" Starlet takes her gaze up to the stage and Musa follows. She smiles a little as she listens to her mother's beautiful and soothing voice. _

_"Yeah, Muse," Kit says, "Star's right. Your mum's going to be OK. She's going to stay OK," the raven haired girl's words are firm, and they leave no room for an argument. _

_Again, Musa's shoulders slump as she looks up at her mother. She's still singing, though this song Musa is unfamiliar with. Musa doesn't know for sure but she thinks that her mother is growing tired. _

_Something (a woman dressed in white, she recalls) in her head - in a dream, apparently - had told her that her mother will die very soon. She doesn't want to believe the harsh news... but her heart knows it is the truth._

_"I really want to believe that, girls, but..." she trails off. Kit and Starlet look at her with a raised eyebrow, "but I have a feeling that you're wrong. Something tells me that something is gonna go wrong," Musa starts shaking again as her eyes drift up to the stage._

_Starlet holds her arms out and Musa gratefully falls into a hug. The girl can't hold it in anymore and she starts crying on Starlet's shoulder. Kit goes and places a hand on Musa's shoulder and they both wait until she finishes. _

_No one else notices, which all three of them are grateful for. Kit's eyes are glancing all over the place for an exit. Musa can't stay out here in the crowd as a broken wreck. She needs fresh air and a drink. Suddenly, her eyes fall on a gap in the crowd, just four or five metres away from them. She glances at her watch and sees that the gig will be over in fifteen minutes._

_Kit taps Starlet on the shoulder and points - not so subtly - to the gap. Starlet nods and gently pushes Musa away, "Muse," she says, "we're leaving. The gig's over in fifteen minutes so we can go speak to your mother then, OK?" Musa nods and Kit jumps in._

_"We'll prove to you that your mum is fine," Musa smiles gratefully - her cousins are the best cousins a girl can ask for._

_They all squeeze their way out somewhat impolitely and impatiently, earning them huffs and glares from the other members of the public. Once they're safely out in the open fresh air, they look for a pub, café or a restaurant to buy themselves a drink. They find that the only pub open at fifteen to twelve in the evening is an over eighteen pub called 'The Red Tiger'. Starlet growls and runs a hand through her long, fair hair._

_"Great," she mumbles, "just what we need," she taps her foot impatiently and glances around. _

_"Or..." Kit starts saying, "we could find a hotel somewhere, use the bathroom and kind of... beg for a drink?" She says uncertainly. Starlet scoffs._

_"Definitely _not _the last part," she says dryly, "but the first and second parts sound like a plan," _

_"But... first we need to actually _find _a hotel," Musa says. The other girls turn to her._

_"Easy," Starlet says, "The Bass isn't far from here. I think it's just down the road and around the corner," _

_"Fine. Let's go," Musa says. They start walking in the direction of the hotel. All the while, Musa's mind is worrying about her mother._

_When they get to the hotel, the woman behind the counter does let them use the bathroom and, seeing Musa's tear stained face, gives them each access to the staff tea and coffee machine. She tells them, "caffeine helps to get rid of stress and pain, which in turn gets rid of tears,"_

_She asks them what happened, and Kit tells her _everything_. The woman looks both astonished and impressed at the same time. Suddenly, Musa's phone blasts into life, startling them all. With an apologetic look in the woman's direction for being loud, Musa answers her phone, putting it on the loudspeaker._

_"Mum?" She asks after she puts her phone to her ear, "hi," she goes into a long conversation with her mother, telling her where she and the girls are. After ending the call, she turns to her friends, "Mum's outside The Four Beat and she wants us to meet her there," she says. Kit and Starlet look at each other and then turn back to Musa. _

_"Then let's go," Kit says. They say their goodnights and thanks to the woman, who smiles fondly._

_They walk back to the music bar and when they lay their eyes on Musa's mother, Musa feels a surge of pride wash over her. Her mother has so many fans; they're all asking for her autograph. Most of them are telling the singer how wonderful she is. _

_Musa waits until her mother is not bombarded with other teenagers. She checks her mirror to see if there are any stray tear stains - she doesn't want to make her mother worry - and goes up to give her a hug. _

_"You were amazing, Mum!" She exclaims. The older woman laughs._

_"Thanks, honey!" She says, "now, let's go back home," she turns to Musa's friends, "and you two girls are more than welcome to stay the night," she says. Kit and Starlet smile._

_All four of them sit in Musa's mother's luxury limousine as they drive back home. They say hello to Musa's father and after an hour or so's worth of conversation, everyone returns to their rooms for the night. _

_The following morning, after Musa wakes up, she goes to see her mother. She opens the door of the room to find her mother still sleeping _Funny_, she thinks, _Mum never sleeps a minute past seven, let alone an hour_. Musa at first decides to let her mother sleep a little longer but after a battle between her heart and mind, she decides to wake her up. Her decision is based more on a sudden sense of worry than anything else. _

_Going up to her mother, she shakes her by the shoulder. Or tries to, at least. The woman is cold to the touch, making her bring her hand away in surprise. Musa begins to worry, but thinks nothing much of it at first, "Mum," she whispers, "Mum, wake up," _

_Her mother doesn't stir at all and panic fills Musa's mind, "Mum?" She asks a little louder, "Mum? Wake up," no movement. She takes one of her mother's hands in hers. It is weightless, cold and pale. She looks at her mother's face. It is extremely pale, like it is lifeless, "Mum!" She exclaims, "Mum, no!" _

_At her yell, Kit and Starlet jump out of bed and run into the room, "Musa, what is it?" They ask. But Musa isn't listening. _

_"Mum!" She kneels down beside the bed, and sobs uncontrollably, "Mum, no. Please... no, don't leave me... no..." she says in between sobs._

_And then, like every other death in the magic dimension, Musa's mother's image starts to falter. She starts to fade away and then... she is gone for good, "NO! MUM!"_

_Kit and Starlet both kneel next to her and Kit wraps the traumatized girl in a one armed hug, "that's it, Muse," she whispers, "cry all you need to," _

Musa shakes viciously on her bed as she comes back to the present and tries to keep her tears back. Flora walks into the Alfea dorm room and lays her eyes on the broken girl, "Musa," she says in her soft, symphathetic voice, "don't hold it back. Let it go,"

Musa shakes her head. Flora sits next to her on the bed and slips an arm round her shoulders, "sweetie, you _are _allowed to cry at a time like this, you know. Do it. Cry," she says

Musa balls her hands into fists. She can feel her resolve crumbling. Finally, the invisible wall around her breaks and tears slip down her cheeks. Flora wraps her in a hug and lets her cry.

After she finishes, Musa wipes the stray tears away and looks up at Flora, "thank you, Flora," she says. Flora smiles and they hug each other again.

_Mum, I love you. Always and forever. _


End file.
